I know its been centuries since last posted.
Words cannot describe how busy i have been not only in terms physically but also spiritually.
Right now i am standing in between FFWPU and UPF.
Honestly really i find it awesome- to be able to gain new experience and learn more and to be able to be some help to others.
To be able to be productive. That is what i want to invest.
But things sometimes... most of the time can be confusing.
Not because I am helping and investing to nothingness but because i don't feel it.
Do you get it?
Ever felt that you don't have the it factor?
Doing something and feel not appreciated?
Feeling not really connected to people?
Its a bit of what i have been feeling.
Helping in events and co-coordinating Youth Ministry all this requier outer and inner energy.
Doing 2 things and rearranging my schedule to fit it all so that i can focus it one at a time.
That needs double the energy.
Most of the time i find my life full of dull colours.
Its the same i guess, a full cycle.
Me looking for something - tried doing it - ending becoming dull...
One thing is that i realize more about myself.
And i gotta improve myself more. Learn more.
Life to me is such a blur still...
Really... i don't really know how to describe it.
Being me.
I feel through all these years...
The more i grow...
The more i feel....
The people i know who used to have so many hopes on me looks dissapointed.
I KNOW!!!
I know i am a dissapoinment to this nation.
Not being able to grow beautifully and greatly.
Not being able to be greater.
Not being able to be very well connected to everyone.
That's why i want to improve.
I know i am truly slow ....
All i can say is sorry...
Truly I am so sorry...
I am sorry for being the way i am...
i am sorry for being a very bad leader...
i am sorry for everything i have done....
i have to find my complete self.
So that, other 2nd gen would be better...
research, that is what is need for youth ministry...
trust, love and care as well...
That is all i can say for now...
a alitlle part of my heart.
Just being there for people and saying what is truly in your heart is good enough for now. It really is! You will improve the more that time goes on. The cool thing is that it will happen naturally, just from already doing what you are doing, and talking to other people who are wiser than you are.
ReplyDeleteThere will be days when you go "Aha!" And then you will gain knowledge and experience just that easily. I have felt many times like I don't get it. Like I don't have the If Factor. Then, I decided that everything that crosses my mind, I write it down or record my voice on a voice recorder.
There! My Thoughts are saved so that I won't forget them. Then, when the time is right, I will go back and compare my own notes with the thoughts that are currently in my head. And then.. Here comes that "Aha!" factor once again :)